Amanda,

I write this letter with a lot on my mind re: Christian and his future.  I hope that it comes across clear and concise.  I also want to make clear from the beginning that this is not in any way meant to make you feel like you’re being backed into a corner.  In the past, you have used the “stop attacking me” line, when I try to have a rational conversation with you about Christian, and I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart I am not “attacking” you.  This is about Christian.  It has always been about him.  I will always aim to keep it that way.

With that being said, I’ll begin:

Christian is 7 years old.  Relatively young in the grand scheme of life.  But as far as childhood goes, he is already beyond the half-way point.  Once he hits his teenage years, WE as parents potentially do not mean as much to him anymore.  His interests will lay beyond what we do with him and he will yearn for his independence.  The window of pure, unadulterated childhood memories is beginning to close.  When I think of this, it unashamedly brings tears to my eye.  I love that sweet little vessel that is our son.  I love him from as deep of a spot in my heart that I didn’t even realize I had.  He has taught me more about myself in 7 short years than I thought I learned in 22 years of my own exploration prior.  In his early days, I was absolutely not perfect, nor close.  For him, as well as for you either Amanda.  I apologize that we had our issues and that we could not get things together as much as we should have.  We made our mistakes.  I made mine.  I can’t take back what happened, but from what mistakes I have made, I can try intently as I am capable to make strides to move forward and be a better person, father, and husband to my wife now.  

I feel like in my time with Christian (exactly 6 days out of every 28), I am creating memories.  I’m instilling discipline and respect.  I’m nurturing his needs but not afraid of disciplining his indiscretions.  He knows what he can and can not get away with and very rarely tests his bounds.  I’ve not had to experience the other side of him, which I have heard over the years is there.  I am so appreciative of his behavior.  I can only speak on what I personally know of that.  Amanda, you’ve called and asked me for help with his behavior on occasions in the past.  To a degree, I have no problem with helping you.  But, you’ve also told my wife that you feel bad when he cries and that you don’t like to feel like the bad guy.  Unfortunately, as parents, our job is to be that from time to time.  We will not always be Christian’s favorite people.  We HAVE to instill boundaries with him.  If not, he will over-run us at some point.  At 7 years old, he is cognizant enough to know exactly what he IS and IS NOT doing.  As a baby, even then, a child is testing boundaries.  If you are scared to draw the line with him and he continues to cross it, who’s fault is that?  We can’t expect him to behave if he receives no repercussion for doing wrong.  So, when you call me to talk to him, I should be used as a last resort.  There is only so much that I, at 2 hours away can do.  I wish that I could be closer in distance/time so that I could help, but that is a luxury that I am unfortunately left out of enjoying.  Our meetings as a “family” at the top of the pass to discuss with him his boundaries are good.  They need to happen.  He needs to see and hear us working as parents together.  For obvious reason as well, those meetings can’t happen all the time.  But, I do feel like they should happen more, and with the distance that is very difficult.  

I bring this up, in relation to his childhood because the longer that he goes without understanding his boundaries and rules, the harder it will be for him to be corralled in the future as he gets older.  The harder it will be for US as his parents to get through to him when there are real issues that we need to address with him.  We are his parents.  No one will ever replace what our roles are to him.  He will always know and recognize and hopefully respect us for what we are to him.  We have a very sweet and caring boy.  A big fear of mine is that he has a disparity between households that causes him to develop animosity towards his situation.  I absolutely do not want him to feel like he is choosing sides as he grows older.  I want him to spend time with us, time with his friends, time doing activities that he enjoys etc.  As our current situation stands, he spends 12 hours per month driving across the pass.  Per year, that amounts to 144 hours, which equals 6 total days.  That’s a lot of time.  He’s only 7, and right now, that drive doesn’t seem to bother him.  But how long until it does?  What about when he wants to play baseball on an actual team, instead of at the park with me?  How about when his friends have sleepovers and birthday parties?  As his parent, I want him to enjoy those aspects of childhood.  The conundrum is, who loses that time with him when he wants to do those things?  If he were to play on a baseball team, he would have to show up for practice AND games.  That happens if both of US are living within a reasonable distance to take him to these activities.  If we don’t, and he still is to play a sport, or do an activity with his friends, we end up driving back and forth across the pass even more than we already do…or I end up losing time with him completely in order to help fulfill his wishes.  Obviously, this world/life/this situation is not perfect.  But there are things that we can control.  Where we live is one of them.  How we allow Christian to enjoy his childhood is another.  How we work together as parents to help him live out his dreams, another.  I hope you understand what I’m getting at.  

Now, you’ve brought up in the past that I “could move over here (Ellensburg)”.  Well, initially when you were setting up your parenting plan, and I asked Shantel about that exact circumstance, I was blatantly told that that only way we would have joint parenting/equal parenting was if you came over to King County.  I was denied the opportunity if I were to move to the Yakima/Ellensburg area.  I understand that Ellensburg is a cheaper alternative to living “in Seattle”.  King County, however is not just Seattle.  King County starts exactly where we drop off Christian each week.  Within those boundaries, many lesser expensive cities reside.  Fall City, Issaquah, Renton, Kent, Federal Way, Burien, Lynnwood, Shoreline, Edmonds, Northgate, Montlake Terrace, etc.  Living “in the city” is the expensive area, and without the help of another person, I wouldn’t be able to afford it myself anymore.  Or, rather, I shouldn’t be able to afford it.  In the past, I didn’t drive, and my only option was to live within the city, where I could walk and bus to work.  Now that I’m married, having another income helps us to afford living in Magnolia (which isn’t too expensive anyways).  

There are options.  I also understand that you’ve got family in Ellensburg and they’re able to help you out with Christian from time to time.  I absolutely appreciate that they’re able to offer assistance.   I guess, from my perspective though, I feel like I should be able to “help” with Christian first and foremost, as I would hope that you would be able to “help” with Christian if I were ever in a bind.  It saddens me that I’m not even a first resort, if school closes down and he needs to be watched, or if he gets sick and can’t go to daycare, etc.  This is something, that as his parent, I feel is my right to be saddened by.  Can you sympathize with that?  I don’t want you to have to imagine being in my shoes, but for just one second, can you?  Being cut out of a huge portion of Christian’s life isn’t easy.  It shouldn’t be, if we care for and love him like we do.  

Now, if I wrote this and didn’t have any kind of answer to what may come my way, I would be shortsighted in my writing.  From a financial perspective, I feel like making a move personally to the other side of the state would be irresponsible of me.  I started doing hair in Seattle licensed in May of 2003.  I’m coming up on 8 years of non-stop consistency with my clients.  Many of whom, I have cut hair for since before Christian was born.  I feel very blessed by their loyalty and dedication to me.  I’ve built up a considerable amount of time and trust with these people.  I work a schedule that, as my own boss, I am able to bend as necessary to the needs of my life.  If Christian gets sick, I can at moment’s notice call my clients and cancel my day.  I don’t have to answer to anyone.  You’ve worked in Ellensburg as a stylist for less than 2 years, of which, 3 months of that time you were out with a broken leg.  Don’t take this the wrong way, but I can guarantee that your clientele base isn’t as deep as mine.  That isn’t meant in any way to be a knock on you at all.  If I were to move out of the area, I’m still responsible for my child support to you.  I’m still responsible for putting food on the table for my family, which has grown in size these past 7 months.  I am a husband, a father, and as both, I am a provider.  My roots are here.  To up and move would be the most financially and career irresponsible move of my life.  You, on the other hand have less time spend developing a client-base in Ellensburg, a city of way less people.  A college town, where your ability to maintain a deeper number of clients is lessened by the transient nature of a college-based town.  A city where your price point is likely going to hit a cap much quicker than it would in a city where people expect to pay more for our services.  You have the potential to make more money in Seattle, maintain a bigger and more diverse clientele here, while still living more cost-effectively outside of the city itself.  You did hair here for a number of years.  You still have connections.  You stopped by Acme two weeks ago to say hello to your old co-workers.  Yes, recreating a client base will take some time.  Moving Christian out of Ellensburg may seem like a detriment to his childhood.  Is it really?  Are his relationships with his friends so solidified that he wouldn’t be able to make new friends in King County?  I doubt it.  He still has time, where he could make a move without it irrepairably harming his future.  He absolutely can develop strong friendships with kids in a new area AND participate in activities and events outside of school, while still spending quality time with us as his parents.  We both need the balance of school week time mixed with weekend “fun time”.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is important.  He needs to have that from both of us.  Our situation is not perfect, but we can work towards making it good for him.  That’s what this is about:  Christian.  

We spend roughly 150-200 per month on gas to get from our house in Magnolia to the top of the pass and back 2x each weekend.  Per year, this averages out to $1950-2400 dollars in gas alone.  I should reiterate that this isn’t a “complaint”, but it sure is a high cost.  Christian is worth driving to the ends of the earth though, thus why that effort is made every weekend to get him.  This is a cost that could immediately be cut out of your expense budget if you didn’t live so far away.  Savings = immediate.  Over time, you could make more $ as a stylist, your work schedule could actually flourish more due to the extra weekday/weekend time you would be able to spend when not with Christian.  Another savings cost not even mentioned is daycare.  With you, myself, and Kaylan, we have 3 adults who all have flexible work schedules.  Kaylan works mornings, from 4:30 - 11:00.  Her ability to help is also available as necessary.  This cost savings coupled with the gas savings would already make up the difference at least, if not more for cost of living.  I know that for you, that is probably as sensitive as the way I feel about not being a first resort compared to your parents.  I realize that it’s sensitive and I should be sympathetic to that.  I’m just offering.  You used to get along with Kaylan just fine and would feel comfortable with asking her for rides to Edmonds when you lived there.  You’ve mentioned many times that you think she is good for me and that she is good for Christian as well.  We’ve both had talks with Christian, making sure he understands that Kaylan is a wonderful person and will be involved with his life always, but that she is not his mom.  I think that for his age, we have been very responsible about explaining this to him.  

As I’m writing this, the current pass report is this:  
“Temperature: 25ºF / -4ºC
Elevation: 3022 feet / 921 meters
Restrictions EastBound:
Traffic stopped for avalanche control

Restrictions WestBound:
Traffic stopped for avalanche control

Conditions:
Compact snow, slush and ice on the roadway. Interstate 90 is closed for avalanche control work at the snow shed. Eastbound traffic is stopped at milepost 47, near Denny Creek, and milepost 56, near Gold Creek. Westbound traffic is stopped at milepost 61 near Price Creek.
Weather:
Snowing with areas of freezing rain”  

This could go on all winter.  Beyond the amount of time that Christian spends traveling back and forth, what about his safety?  How necessary is the risk of putting him in harm’s way?  We can’t control what happens on the roads, I understand that.  Yes, either one of us could get into an accident driving blocks away from our respective houses.  The percentages increase tenfold though, when driving in snowy/icy/rainy conditions as will be the norm this winter.  ¼ of the year is potentially inclement enough weather to shut down the roadways because of the conditions being treacherous enough.  I mentioned a big fear of mine earlier.  My greatest fear currently is either one of us getting into an accident with our most precious cargo on-board.  Would you be able to live with yourself if something happened to him?  Forget you or I, but to him?  I know that I would never, ever be able to live with that.  It would haunt me for the remainder  of my life.  This is something that we CAN control.  Think about that.  I have.  Endlessly, for months and months and months.  

I understand also that Seattle isn’t Ellensburg.  The small city has a lot of advantages.  I feel fortunate in many ways that I spent many years in Yakima.  I used to ride my bike to the library, to the baseball card shop, to McDonalds, to church etc.  I used to play baseball in my cul-de-sac and never worried about a car barreling down the street too fast.  Seattle, although not small in any means, is not Manhattan either.  My neighborhood has character.  I have a backyard and live on a street where Christian and I play catch in the middle of it without worrying about cars too.  There are elementary schools within walking distance where we go to the park and play on the swings and I hit him ground balls on the ballfield.  I don’t think that his innocense would be lost if he grew up in Seattle.  To me, the key to raising a child, isn’t WHERE they grow up.  It’s HOW they grow up.  He could grow up anywhere and thrive.  If we do our job and help to guide him into his teenage years and beyond, he could grow up in Antartica and still look back and say that he enjoyed being a kid.  Christian cares about spending time with us.  He looks forward to that.  He loves having a “plan”.  It’s why he always asks “What are we going to do, Dad”?  Or, “So what should we talk about?” when I talk to him on the phone.  He looks up to us in that regard and expects us to come up with things to do.  I hope you understand that it isn’t so much where he grows up at, it’s what he does while he’s growing up.  The opportunities we can give him by living nearer are memories that we help to create in him that will last him a lifetime.  He wants to play baseball.  He has Baseball Cleats on his Christmas List right now.  He asked for baseball pants and baseball socks.  He dressed up as a baseball player for Halloween.  I play catch with him every weekend.  His progress is astonishing.  I love watching him do better and better.  The joy and excitement on his face is worth being a parent for.  

Something that I also think needs to change, and change immediately is his sleeping situation.  I ask him every weekend when I pick him up if he has slept in his own bed.  He is 7 years old.  He is too old to be sleeping in bed with you, Amanda.  When he tells me that he still sleeps in bed with you, it really makes me frustrated.  This is something that is just not right.  It’s too hard for his little mind to comprehend, but as an adult, you have to understand why this is not right!  He has his own bed.  He needs to sleep in it every night.  When he tells me that you have told him to lie to his Grandma (Sharon) about wether he slept in his own bed, that brings a whole new issue to the table.  Why is that acceptable, to ultimately give the example or order that lying is ok???  I’m sure that if you asked either Dan or Steve, they would agree that a lot of criminals formed the roots of their law-breaking behavior in their early years by learning to lie and get away with it.  Christian is still very obvious when he lies.  He knows it’s not right and he gives himself away whenever he is telling a lie.  At some point, he’s going to get better at masking those giveaways and we will have major issues on our hands.  The example that we set for him is the most important one.  He looks up to us and we need to be hyper aware of the role that we play in his life.  

All of this weighs so heavily on my mind on a daily basis.  I try not to let it stress me out, but there is absolutely nothing like the worry I feel when I think of all of the above mentioned material.  If you lived 2 hours away and could not be there in a short moments notice, you would inevitably be concerned too.  I don’t think it’s something that we should carry into the years ahead.  On a daily basis, life throws us curve-balls that are difficult enough to deal with.  We have no control over those unforseeable situations.  Again, THIS is something we can control.  I urge you to consider thinking about all of this.  Last year, when you broke your leg, your mom did the drop off’s in your place.  I recall one instance when she mentioned to me “Amanda’s dream was to live in Seattle.  It didn’t work out.”  Well, my unspoken response to that statement is this “It’s not Amanda’s dream anymore”.  It’s Christian’s.  My hope is that you will realize this before it is too late.  My hope is that we can work out these issues and move toward creating as ideal of a childhood for Christian as we can, before it’s too late.  Please read, think about this, and respond.  Take as much time as you need.  I welcome your thoughts.  I also ask, what could I do to help this happen?  Within my means, I would like to be as helpful as I can, without overstepping my bounds or my role.  If I have more thoughts, I will write again.  

Sincerely,

Jake.